In other words, if her background is dysfunction the likelihood of her adult life being dictated by her own desire for that drama and dysfunction to continue will be immense.
To an abusive BPD/NPD, “winning” is about taking from others, hurting and controlling them. In order for her to win, you must lose. Relationships are zero sum games. She does this by:
- Taking something away (e.g., money, love, material possessions, self-respect, self-worth, etc.)
- Destroying something you love (e.g., a prized possession or a child.)
- Forcing you to take something (e.g., abuse, infidelity, self-created debt, her vacation choice, etc.)
- Turning a positive into a negative (e.g., something good happens to you and she denigrates it, ignores it, and/or minimizes it.) See below.
I remember a while ago I started Facebook. I had left my part of the state and moved away to her half of the state because there "was no way she could live so far from her parents".
This was over ten years after having graduated from high school and I wanted to see how people were doing. I never planned on going to any reunion but I had two small cliques of friends that I had spent a lot of good times with. As I was moving on with life and getting married, I wanted to see how they were doing as well. I had heard many of them were starting to have kids, that some folks that were together since high school had gotten married and were having kids. It felt great to talk to these folks again and all the news I heard was so uplifting and I wanted to share my past friendships and their evolution with my partner.
One day, after hearing that my very best friend had his first baby...I bounded into the other room to tell her the news. When I told her that I had reconnected with a bunch of people with whom I hadn't spoken for years and that my high school best friend was about to have a baby she became infuriated.
I'm not kidding. This wasn't any kind of passive-aggression...she flipped her lid. How dare I go on Facebook "behind her back"? How was "she supposed to know" who I was talking to? Was I "talking to old girlfriends"? Obviously I was and obviously these girls were married, getting married or had moved out to God knows where doing God knows what. That didn't matter.
She then pronounced I was no longer allowed to use Facebook. I still did, of course, but at work and behind her back. I was ashamed. As my contact with my old friends started to fade, again, she had decided to open her own Facebook page.
What I'm about to say is no exaggeration. No spicing it up to make her sound bad. But the first thing she told me about her Facebook adventures was that she talked to "an old boyfriend from college" and how did I feel about that? I told her, that it was fine. We were married! What did a college boyfriend have to do with anything. About 5% of me knew what she was doing, but the rest of me was just like, "Oh, that's cool".
Soon after that, he started calling her cell phone and she wanted me "to take care of it". What the hell was she doing? After a few phone calls from this "ex-boyfriend" she told me that Facebook wasn't what she thought it was...that she was being silly and of course I could still go on there and talk to friends.
By that time the damage was done. I had alienated my friends. Even after she gave me permission to use Facebook again, I was very apprehensive about it. I didn't talk about much beyond the standard updates and friend requests.
Opportunity came and opportunity passed when friends had asked me to go out. Come back out for the day and have a cookout, go to a concert or just hangout. There was no way I was allowed to do any of these things without her. Going to a concert with my concert buddy was a tradition...it didn't involve our girlfriends. Not for any reason in particular...we were just music nerds that sat there talking about paradiddles and chord progression. Girls weren't very interested in what chord a song was in...we were.
So I had to pass, or cancel last minute due to her Munchhausen "emergencies" or other reasons.
After a while, they stopped asking.
Meanwhile, we were suddenly finding ourselves at her high school friend's weddings, going away parties, birthdays and graduation parties.
Fast forward to our divorce and she had used against me the fact that I had "withdrawn from my old friends".