Friday, October 8, 2010

I Hate You Diane Keaton

I hate Diane Keaton.

It all started in a single scene from The Godfather Part II. Remember the part when she tells Michael, "Oh, oh, Michael; Michael, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage, it was an abortion. An abortion, Michael. Just like our marriage is an abortion -- something that's unholy and evil!"

That line was so horribly delivered, so horribly acted, so melodramatic you could literally see it in Pacino's face.  Really, you can.  Go watch the movie and watch that scene and look at Pacino...you know he's thinking, "WTF is this idiot doing?"

Tried as he might, he was unable to save that scene.  So he started to over-act to try and that just made the whole scene worse.  But it was her fault, she started it because she sucks.

After that, and since Woody Allen only marries his relatives, she's been relegated to whatever the fuck it is women want to watch.

She has since the early 90s made 144 movies playing the same roles:
  • The mother
  • The mother-in-law
  • The older sister
  • The wife
  • The widow
  • The friend in a group of 4 or 5 women that is the one that wears glasses
The plot of any Diane Keaton in the last 20 years is nothing but a Hallmark card targeted towards people that go see live tapings of Oprah, Ellen or The View.  That if the women in the movie are crying (but are strong, independent women at the same time) it's an amazing movie.

They start off as a group/family/sisterhood that seems to have an idyllic existence.  Death/cheating husband/dying mother/sick sister enters the plot and things are torn asunder.

There is usually a black woman in the group, to provide "sass" and to make the white women that don't have black friends in the audience feel as if they would be able to...if they knew any.

At about the midpoint of the movie they laugh/cry together...because these are strong women that smile while crying...to show their friend/sister/husband that they will be OK...they have been the martyr their whole life, so why should it change now?

Three quarters of the way through the movie one of the friends leaves the group...to move to Los Angeles (because this movie is set in Manhattan, because they need to get ice cream cones and walk through Central Park where they will drop ice cream on their pea coats/have a dog knock them down/meet a new friend)

Depending upon which even takes place in Central Park will be the conclusion of Diane's movie.

If they drop ice cream on their coats...things go on and the movie will end with Diane wearing a sweater, drinking tea/coffee/wine and looking out of her living room window, wiser for what she has just been through.

If a dog knocks one of them over, the owner of the dog will be a handsome man, most likely with an English accent and he and Diane will walk off together...a hint of love, however guarded, will be in the air.  It is also Autumn.

If they meet a new friend.  The friend that moved to will die.  And while this new person cannot possibly fill that old, dead friend's shoes...this new friend offers a wise, sagely bit of council or a comment that makes them take pause.  The ending of this movie will show them standing around a kitchen island drinking wine, laughing...the camera will pan outward, through the window and the credits will begin to roll.

I hate Diane Keaton.  Not as much as I dislike Obama, but I refuse to watch her movies.  It's impossible for Barry to not be my president at the moment so I refuse to watch her crap.

13 comments:

  1. Well, that boils Keaton movies down to a science. Thanks, I'll avoid anything with her in it from this point forward.

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  2. That makes me hate you. I love Diane Keaton, even if she does play the same insufferable neurotic in every film. I LOVE that insufferable neurotic, damn you.

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  3. This critique has cut me deeply. I'm going to curl up on the sofa with my cat and a nice cup of tea and watch the soft rain fall onto the windows, you bastard.

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    Replies
    1. ohhhhh, poor cry baby!!! I don't like people who have cats either.

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  4. As I compute it, this means there are at most 108 possible Diane Keaton movies.

    If so, how many have been made of 108, and how many more are left??

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  5. You're far too good at math.

    I have no answer...and cannot defend my thesis.

    My only defense mechanism at this point is to simply tell you to look over there...and run away while you're looking.

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  6. I SOOOOOO Agree. Diane Keaton just makes me sick at my stomach just looking at her. I don't dislike any actor/actress BUT her. She has NO femininity and just looks like a hateful snob. People aren't too far off from their looks as usually the heart is worn upon the face. I wish they would ban her from the silver screen. Especially since I once saw her as a nominee for the 'golden globe/acadamey award' and when she lost, she looked at the winning actress with contempt. Again, that expression of her heart on her face.

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  8. The decline of Western Civilization came in the form of that insipid baby movie with the copy-cat insipid St Elmo's Fire 80s 10 chord saxophone ear splitting noise like someone was machine gunning a seal and the incessantly insipid feminist cliche that a single mother can start her own Fortune 500 Company in a NYC apartment while the product caters to other exceedingly insipid Yuppie 80s cliches punctuated by the ever present saxophone which again sounded like a vat of BBQ beans negotiating their way through the digestive system of an orangutang in heat while foisting upon the clueless observer the underlying insipid parting message of corporate piratism and misogyny and the championing of Gloria Steinem'isms. Oh, by the way, the other insipid formula of this picture was the ever present insipid turtle neck sweater Keaton should be hoisted on a meat hook for wearing in over 144 plus movies.

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  9. That comment about Obama at the end was a bit unnecessary. But apart from that, you managed to put into words why I hate Diane Keaton.
    Where before, there was only red mist whenever her name was mentioned, now, thanks to you, there's blood-red clarity.

    Thanks.

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  10. Keaton is, always has been always will be, hands down, an absolutely talentless joke of an "actress". Couldn't act her way out of a wet paper bag with spurs and a machete. Wholly pretentious, beyond narcissistic....., simply disgusting, revulsive.

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  11. I thought I was the only one . She can't can't convince me of any of her characters. She's humiliating herself.

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  12. I agree. She always plays the naive, trying-to-be-an-innocent-teenager-even-when-she's-65 role and it's not fooling anyone. As if the sun coming up and down surprises her every time. It's not charming, it's disingenuous. I just watched Father of the Bride 2 and she sucks. The line where she says how she feels about being pregnant makes me want to puke. Or when George walks in and says he wants to make love to her... her response seriously makes me want to run into traffic. "Make...love??" As if she doesn't know what sex is. UGH. It's the way I play-pretend acted when I was 9. I dislike her acting so much that I came to the Internet to see if I could join an "I Hate Diane Keaton" Facebook page. She was fine like 40 years ago in one Woody Allen movie, when female actors could be flaky and no one minded because everyone thought it was innovative or pure. Please God...make her stop being in movies!!

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