Friday, October 8, 2010

I Hate You Diane Keaton

I hate Diane Keaton.

It all started in a single scene from The Godfather Part II. Remember the part when she tells Michael, "Oh, oh, Michael; Michael, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage, it was an abortion. An abortion, Michael. Just like our marriage is an abortion -- something that's unholy and evil!"

That line was so horribly delivered, so horribly acted, so melodramatic you could literally see it in Pacino's face.  Really, you can.  Go watch the movie and watch that scene and look at Pacino...you know he's thinking, "WTF is this idiot doing?"

Tried as he might, he was unable to save that scene.  So he started to over-act to try and that just made the whole scene worse.  But it was her fault, she started it because she sucks.

After that, and since Woody Allen only marries his relatives, she's been relegated to whatever the fuck it is women want to watch.

She has since the early 90s made 144 movies playing the same roles:
  • The mother
  • The mother-in-law
  • The older sister
  • The wife
  • The widow
  • The friend in a group of 4 or 5 women that is the one that wears glasses
The plot of any Diane Keaton in the last 20 years is nothing but a Hallmark card targeted towards people that go see live tapings of Oprah, Ellen or The View.  That if the women in the movie are crying (but are strong, independent women at the same time) it's an amazing movie.

They start off as a group/family/sisterhood that seems to have an idyllic existence.  Death/cheating husband/dying mother/sick sister enters the plot and things are torn asunder.

There is usually a black woman in the group, to provide "sass" and to make the white women that don't have black friends in the audience feel as if they would be able to...if they knew any.

At about the midpoint of the movie they laugh/cry together...because these are strong women that smile while crying...to show their friend/sister/husband that they will be OK...they have been the martyr their whole life, so why should it change now?

Three quarters of the way through the movie one of the friends leaves the group...to move to Los Angeles (because this movie is set in Manhattan, because they need to get ice cream cones and walk through Central Park where they will drop ice cream on their pea coats/have a dog knock them down/meet a new friend)

Depending upon which even takes place in Central Park will be the conclusion of Diane's movie.

If they drop ice cream on their coats...things go on and the movie will end with Diane wearing a sweater, drinking tea/coffee/wine and looking out of her living room window, wiser for what she has just been through.

If a dog knocks one of them over, the owner of the dog will be a handsome man, most likely with an English accent and he and Diane will walk off together...a hint of love, however guarded, will be in the air.  It is also Autumn.

If they meet a new friend.  The friend that moved to will die.  And while this new person cannot possibly fill that old, dead friend's shoes...this new friend offers a wise, sagely bit of council or a comment that makes them take pause.  The ending of this movie will show them standing around a kitchen island drinking wine, laughing...the camera will pan outward, through the window and the credits will begin to roll.

I hate Diane Keaton.  Not as much as I dislike Obama, but I refuse to watch her movies.  It's impossible for Barry to not be my president at the moment so I refuse to watch her crap.