Saturday, January 15, 2011

Crazy Neighbor

So, I have a crazy neighbor. Goddammit.

The wife and I just bought our first home, it's a condominium, however it is still our first home purchase.

Instead of images of a warm hearth, a playful baby, entertaining guests to a night of Chutes and Ladders, Twister or Name That Tune, dreams of birthday parties outside on our lawn (I have a lawn now!) I have visions of the police showing up at my son's birthday party because it'll be "too loud", or the police showing up because our guests are singing Thinlizzy's Jailbreak too loudly. Or maybe they come because the fire in my fireplace is too warm and she can feel it through the walls.

You see, we live in a set of three condos. From right to left are three garages and the three units. Our garage is the first on the right and our condo is the last on the end.

When it snows, I need to shovel a path. A long one. (that's what she said) I wake up at 4:30 in the morning to get to work by obviously I'm the first one out there shoveling. When I first moved in I would shovel for everyone, just as a sign of good will.

However when I come home and it may have snowed some more...she will have shoveled the entire walkway (we're only responsible for what's in front of our particular unit) except for a perfectly straight line where our "property" starts".

OK, fine...she's petty. I'm a big boy I can shovel but that was my only warning needed that I had a kook on my hands.

I decided to sink to her level for some reason and shovel everything, except for a patch of approximately 6 square feet in front of her unit. I bought some pet and child safe ice-melt and applied it everywhere I shoveled...except, obviously, in front of her unit. It left a nice big patch of icy snow there. She decided to shovel a very small path through that snow, leaving the rest of the snow up to our line.

Because I work 55 hours a day and my wife has a job that allows her to work from home most days, we had agreed that she would let the dog out and walk him if he needed to drop the kids off at the pool. She doesn't walk the dog, because she's lazy...and the dog started shitting in the house. AWESOME!!

Her genius idea was to buy one of those pet ropes and attach him to the front stoop. When the dog simply needs to pee, we let him out the front door and he does his business. I usually walk him when he needs to do the other (weird, I know). This rope is long enough to reach the neighbors side of the planet.

So, I came home last night after a very long day of work and a wake for my co-workers mother. I woke at 4:30 am and didn't get home until 8pm. As I was walking up the sidewalk I saw she hadn't cleaned it off. So I picked up the shovel and pushed it all away, onto her little path she made to avoid shoveling.

Out she came like Mt. Etna...screaming not to shovel it onto her side...odd it was there anyway (shoulda taken pictures), and that she's sick of seeing "yellow snow"...I chuckled a bit because I was so tired all I could think about was Frank Zappa and that...this is the one that got me..."she better not see dog shit in front of her stairs again". I told her I didn't have time to listen to her ranting, we were warned about her by the previous owners and that I'm going inside. She called me a "fucking asshole" and in I went to relax after a satisfying day of God's gifts.

My wife had over-heard what was going on, asked what happened and I told her. I told her that if she can't take care of the dog we'll find a new's not fair to him to go through that, it's not fair to us and it's not fair to the neighbors to see dog shit on their front stairs.

My wife calmed me down and I was fine until attention now...this is the best fucking part of it all. "You're the better person here obviously, why don't you go over there tomorrow and apologize".


I...I just...who...when did...

I give up. Go read the news.

1 comment:

  1. Paul, I have fabulous neighbors. Truly. But, if we were in condo style housing, I'm sure we would all be mortal enemies.

    Just too close for good fellowship.


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