Thursday, February 28, 2013

Do You Live With An Abuser?

It might be difficult for a man to admit that he, himself, is a victim of domestic violence.

As men, we've been condition through every media outlet from magazines, to fictional books, to television programs to movies - to be lapdogs.  It's considered "comedy" when we see the man being verbally assaulted by his wife on that new sit-com.  He sits there and takes it saying, "Yes dear" and the laugh-track rolls.

We laugh as we see the hapless male walking around a shopping store holding massive amounts of bags while the domineering female shops for hours.  She asks him if something looks nice on her and he says, "Yes dear", cue the laugh-track.

We snap to our feet when we're told to do things considered "a man's job".  While labled as stone-aged bigots if we consider a woman's job is to cook - I personally don't think it's her job, I believe it's a shared job. I believe all household chores when married are considered shared responsibilities.  Yet we sit there and do what we're told just so we can get along to get along.  We chuckle as she belittles us in social situations.  How many times has your appetite gotten the better of you and something was said like "Wow, you sure eat like a horse!"?  Even if you said that to your wife in a social setting!  Imagine if you said it to alone at the dinner table.  Yet we laugh it away.  We willingly let ourselves be treated like this.

Why?

Why allow yourself to be the victim of what is, in reality, domestic abuse?

Ask yourself these questions and then check yourself and rethink your life...because I have a few more questions when you're done answering them.

  • Do you ever not speak just so you can keep the peace?
Think of the old favorite stand up comedian and the joke about how a wife will bring up some topic from the past, catching you completely by surprise.  The stereotype is being perpetuated that we don't listen and we are allowed to be grilled like a bank robbery suspect about any topic at any time.  Oh, but there we go laughing it away.  Why do you allow this?
  • Does it feel as if though you're walking around your own home on eggshells?
You know this one, I'm sure.  You're not allowed to bring up certain topic.  Your speech is controlled.  Even your thoughts.  Bring something up that might prove your case in an argument and you may very well be accused of "not letting things go".  And you can absolutely count on that discussion being over, right then and there.  She controls when things get discussed in the marriage.  It isn't a two-way street - yet your abuser will be more than happy to turn it around and say that you never communicate.  But we just go along to get along.  Why?
  • Have you ever said to yourself, "Man I wish I had her on camera acting like that"?
The chances are pretty high at this point that your wife has some kind of personality disorder.  Be it Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.  I want you to read those links.  No.  You need to read those links if we've gotten this far in these questions.

If you've felt the need to protect yourself by having video and audio evidence of how she has your mind so twisted with fear and shame, you need to leave the marriage as soon as you can.  If you have recorded her, consider yourself very lucky.  NPD is hard to prove.  And I don't have time to discuss which way certain opinions tend to lean when it comes to which one of you is considered an abuser.  One of you is walking in already judged.
  • Are there certain things about your wife that you don't tell your family or friends?
This one's pretty telling.  And you shouldn't be ignoring it.  If there are things and personality traits about your wife that you're afraid to tell others - there is something seriously wrong.
  • In relation to the above question: Do you tell lies to your friends and family about your wife...making her out to be a better person than she really is?
For instance.  If something good happened and people at work are asking about it and your friends or family members are happy for you...is that beautiful wife of yours pretty miserable?  Did she then, in turn, make you feel miserable and full of shame?  So if everyone else is happy for you, but the person you plan on spending every waking moment with until the day you die turns it around and makes you feel badly...don't spend one more waking moment with her highness.

  • Do you go so far out of your way to please her just to avoid making her upset?  Even if it comes at a hefty price for you?
Again.  Why?  Why is she better than you?  Why is one of you better than the other?  Did she mean those vows or equality and partnership?  Or did she just need to get married?

I hate to break it to you brother, but unless she's loaded there's no reason to stick around.  It isn't that hard to leave.  Imagine having to deal with a divorce after having children?  If you do have children...welcome aboard.

These are all things your abuser does to control you and keep you in constant fear.  I mean, it's pretty simple. Haven't we been told that abuse isn't just physical?

Stop being lapdogs guys.

Living like this, with a narcissist, isn't a healthy way to go through life.

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